Singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor has shared a devastating and deeply personal admission about being raped as a teenager — an experience she says has stayed with her ever since and shaped the way she lives, loves and raises her children.
The 46-year-old previously revealed that she was raped at the age of 17 by an older man — a musician she has named as Jim — when he was 29. Writing candidly in her 2021 memoir Spinning Plates, Sophie recalled hearing herself say no — and realising it made no difference.
“I heard myself saying ‘no’ and ‘I don’t want to’,” she wrote. “But it didn’t make any difference.”
At the time, Sophie was a virgin. Today, she is married to musician Richard Jones — the couple tied the knot in 2005 — and is the mother of five sons: Sonny, 21; Kit, 16; Ray, 13; Jesse, 10; and Mickey, six. She has since spoken openly about how the trauma has profoundly influenced the way she has raised her boys, particularly around understanding consent.
Speaking ahead of her appearance on Michael McIntyre’s Big Show, Sophie explained that she lost her virginity after being raped at the apartment of the guitarist.
“He had sex with me and I felt so ashamed,” she said. “It was how I lost my virginity and I felt stupid. I felt grubby. But I was also unsure about my own feelings because I had no other experience to compare it with.”
Sophie described how she met the musician at a gig while studying for her A-Levels. He invited her back to his flat under the guise of showing her his history books.
“And before I knew it, we were on his bed and he took off my knickers,” she recalled.
Reflecting on the experience years later, Sophie said the public understanding of rape in the 1990s left her deeply confused.
“At that time, rape wasn’t really talked about in terms of consent,” she explained. “It was something you associated with aggression.”
She added: “No one pinned me down or shouted at me to make me comply. The things I saw and read, and the way sex was discussed back then, made me believe I didn’t have a case.”
It took time — and maturity — for Sophie to fully understand what had happened to her.
“My experience was not violent,” she said. “All that happened was that I wasn’t listened to. Of the two people there, one said yes, the other said no — and the yes person did it anyway.”
She added that as she has grown older, the age difference has become even more disturbing.
“The older I’ve become, the more stark it feels that a 29-year-old man could ignore a 17-year-old girl saying no,” she said.
Sophie explained that she decided to share her story publicly to help others understand where the line between right and wrong truly lies — and to challenge outdated perceptions of sexual assault.
Now, as the mother of five sons, she says the experience has shaped her values and her parenting.
“I want to raise considerate, kind people who can take other people’s feelings into account,” she said. “I want them to actively want the other person to be happy — rather than just stopping because they have to.”
Sophie will appear on Michael McIntyre’s Big Show on Saturday, January 24, at 6.45pm on BBC One.
